Taking Pride in Being Authentically Ourselves

My family recently participated in the Southern Maryland Pride event in Solomons, MD. As most know by now, the United Methodist Church’s General Conference recently voted to strengthen its stance against Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer… (LGBTQ+) individuals.  In light of this decision, my wife (a UM pastor) wanted to attend Pride to stand in solidarity with the LGBTQ+ community in our area, and to let them know they are loved—and welcome at our church. I confess I went somewhat reluctantly.  This was my first time attending a Pride event. Even though I had been assured the event was much smaller and more “family friendly” than the Pride events in “big cities,” I wasn’t sure what to expect. I could’ve easily found something else to do that morning.  I’m glad we went together as a family, though.  It was good for my children to experience—but it was good for me too. Like Mr. Wesley going to Aldersgate, I went reluctantly, but by the end of the day my heart was “strangely warmed”.

I didn’t know the history behind these Pride events before I went.  I may have heard of Stonewall before I went to Solomons, but I certainly didn’t know the details.  This was when police raided the Stonewall Inn in Greenwich Village in Manhattan, setting off several days of violent protests involving LGBTQ+ people.   

The first Pride rally took place in New York on the first anniversary of Stonewall, on June 28, 1970. The original rally was purely a political protest but over time they have morphed into events that combine a rally and a celebration of LGBTO+ life—which is a good description of what I experienced at Southern Maryland Pride.  There are now rallies of varying sizes all around the country; most tend to take place in the month of June.  This year marked the fiftieth anniversary of Stonewall and this year’s Solomons Pride march’s theme was: From Stonewall to Solomons: We’re Still Here.

There were a number of speakers at the event, followed by a march up the boardwalk in Solomons. Probably the most impactful words I heard that day was from a young trans-gender individual, who is currently transitioning from she to he.  The individual was justifiably emotional as he described how s(he) wrestled with all the emotions surrounding his identity and the ramifications of the choice he made to transition.  He said he finally came to the point where, “he made a choice to live his life in a way that didn’t hurt anymore”.

That quote reminded me of a movie scene I come back to again and again.  It is the moment in the movie,The Return of the King, where Elrond comes to Aragorn (who up until now he has been living as Strider, or “the Ranger”) and presents him with the blade of his ancestors that Elrond has had reforged. He tells Aragorn to put aside “the Ranger” and become who he was born to be.  It’s time for him to stop hiding in the shadows and go public with who he really is.  Middle Earth needs Aragorn now—not Strider. No matter how many times I see the movie, this scene always undoes me.

I think this scene is transcendent because Elrond doesn’t just speak to Aragorn in that scene, he issues the same challenge to me—and to you, and to everyone, to drop the “masks” we wear once and for all and be authentically ourselves—without apology.

 “Let people feel the weight of who we are—and let them deal with it.”—John Eldredge  

This quote is both inspiring and sobering.  Who doesn't long to do just what it says?   And yet it also hints at the unfortunate reality that it’s often much easier to say it than to actually do it in this world.

Making the choice to be authentically ourselves is bound to make others uncomfortable.  And, we were reminded at the Pride rally, that when people get uncomfortable, they may choose to lash out at the source of their discomfort.  The parade route passed by Solomons UMC; the pastor of the church was one of the clergy that participated in the march.  The church opened its doors to the marchers on their return trip up the boardwalk, offering a place to rest for those who needed it, and refreshments for the marchers on their return trip.  It was a simple act of hospitality on a hot day. It was “what Jesus would do.”  

But at least one woman didn’t seem to agree.   As she drove by the church in her car, she made a point of rolling down her window to say such nice things as: Shame on you.  Go to hell.  Did I mention she fired off all this profanity with children present—including my own?  

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Unfortunately, too often we use our religion to justify our bad behavior, like the anonymous woman at the Pride rally did.  We quote Scripture to justify our decision to ostracize those different from us that make us uncomfortable.  When it comes to homosexuality, we like to say that we, “love the sinner but we hate the sin”.  Now, I admit, I used to think this way on this issue.  

But the more I’ve thought about it, I wonder if it’s actually possible to separate ‘the sin’ from ‘the sinner’?  

Maybe it can be done, but it seems difficult.  It seems like our vices often come right alongside our virtues, and the two are very difficult to separate, no matter how much we pray about it or how hard we try.  Our sin nature is part of what makes us human; it is the darker side (or shadow) of the good creation God has made in each of us—and God loves the whole package. 

“Human consciousness does not emerge at any depth accept through struggling with our shadow. It’s in facing our own contradictions that we grow.  It is in the struggle with our shadow-self, with failure, or with wounding that we break into higher levels of consciousness. People who learn to expose, name, and still thrive inside contradictions are what I would call prophets”—Richard Rohr.

So, it’s not that we don’t try to acknowledge and wrestle with our shadow-self, but it’s not something we ever completely eliminate.  In fact, there’s a sense that we need our sin nature, because the ongoing struggle with it serves as an impetus for continued growth, transformation, and movement toward God.  It certainly isn’t a precondition for God’s love for us to be rid of it.  That kind of makes logical sense to me.  I mean if we needed to be sin-free for God to love us, other than Jesus, who would qualify—Romans 3:23? 

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Some believe homosexuality is something that a person could choose not to be.  There was a time I might have agreed.  However, some books I’ve read the past few years have changed my thinking.  More importantly, I’ve had long-term friendships with several committed Christians who are gay. I remember one watershed moment in the evolution of my thinking on this issue was when my wife and I were sitting at the breakfast table (I think it was at Gary’s Grill in Severna Park, MD) with my wife’s long-time friend Beth (who has now transitioned to Grey). We were talking about Beth’s lifestyle and the challenges she faced being out as transgender.  At one point, she said simply: “Would I choose this?”   

It’s fair to say her words have stuck with me.  No… I don’t believe she would.  Nor would anyone choose to open themselves up to ridicule and shame by the “dominant” majority, including many Christians—including me—unless they truly believed they can do no other—unless they truly believed this was the only way they could be who they were born to be.

The fact that I don’t understand their decision or lifestyle doesn’t make it wrong.  The fact that these people being who they are sometimes makes me uncomfortable, as it did at the Pride rally, is my problem—not theirs. 

I have come to the point where I honestly think sexual orientation might be as fundamental to a person as sex or skin color or handedness. We tend to think of these characteristics as being binary.  That is, you are either male or female.  But I’ve come to understand that it may not be that simple.  As much as it stretches the mind of a Meyers–Brigg “J” like me, gender seems to exist on a spectrum—which when you think about it, is not unlike race, which is a mixed bag for many of us.  So, there is a sense that Sigmund Freud was right when he said, “we are all bisexual”.  What I take this to mean in this context is that we each have a particular mixture of masculine and feminine traits, and in rare cases it seems the outside appearance may not match interior makeup, manifesting as a trans-gender person.  

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Having been born a white male, I’ve never experienced harsh treatment simply because of my racial, gender, or sexual identity. The closest I can relate to the LGBTQ+ experience probably pales in comparison, but it does have a few parallels to their experience.  I was born left handed in a world where 90% of folks are right-handed.  There was a time when those born left handed were considered “wrong” or “backwards,” not unlike how some respond to LGBTQ+ people today.  Parents of children born left-handed used to try to “convert them” to right-handedness. (My wife’s mom is an example of someone who was “converted”.) Some say that homosexual individuals can be similarly “converted” to heterosexual orientation. I’ve read some “success stories” of people who claim they’ve been “converted”.   

While I don’t recall overt efforts to “convert” me to right-handedness, I do remember the experience of being left handed in school.  We sat at old, beat up left-handed desks, and cut with scissors that had big green handles and always seemed to be duller than the “normal” scissors. Honestly, I think at some point I just learned to use the right-handed scissors with my left hand—although, to this day, I look weird doing it and never can cut as neatly as others.  

Remember the scene in the Peanut’s Halloween Special when they are all dressed up in their costumes? Charlie Brown’s simple ghost costume has like twenty eye holes in it.  He says simply, “I had a little trouble with the scissors,” and the other kids laugh at him.   Having messed up my share of arts and crafts projects over the years while everybody else’s looks so much nicer, I can sympathize with how Charlie Brown felt in that moment.  I’ve walked some miles in his costume as it were.   I wonder if Charlie Brown was left handed too? 

Likewise, I learned to eat right handed, but always looked weird doing it.  My dad would always criticize me for “shoveling my food” when I ate.  He never figured out why it looked to him like I was “shoveling”. It was only once I got married that my wife noticed I was eating right handed and encouraged me to learn to eat the way that came more naturally to me. 

Later in life, I did ballroom dancing for over a decade, and it’s designed with the “dominant hand” in mind. I liked doing it, but I found it challenging to learn.  Most of the steps start with the leader’s right foot free, and support with the left side of the body—the opposite of how I’m built.  I’m sure there are fine dancers who are left-handed, but I always thought being left handed made learning to dance harder.  Let’s just say the “natural (right) turn” didn’t come naturally to me. Everything seemed backwards!  

Similarly, at any baseball practice, the few southpaws always stand out like a sore thumb from the rest of the kids.  Every drill has to be adjusted for the lefties. Just as with dancing, I know that being left handed doesn’t prevent success. In fact, some of the best pitchers in the Major League were/are left handed (e.g., Randy Johnson/Max Scherzer). In part it’s because there aren’t that many of them out there, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s also because they had to work so much harder than the right-handed players to learn everything “backwards”.  

In short, we left-handers have to be taught to do almost every manual task just a little bit differently from 90% of the world!  My friend’s father once had a T-shirt that read, “Hire the left-handed.  It’s fun to watch them write.”  It’s true!  Think about it…  

All that to say that if homosexual preference is as fundamental as handedness, then I know from my experience that life will be already be harder for LGBTQ+ individuals precisely because they are a significant minority in the world.  So, who am I to heap on additional layers of shame by telling them that who they are is “incompatible with Christian teaching”, and that God doesn’t accept them the way they were created?   

If God can love a “backwards” southpaw like me, then surely loving an LGBTQ+ individual isn’t much of a stretch. 

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As I said earlier, I went to the Southern Maryland Pride rally reluctantly—but it was an impactful experience for me.  The young person who spoke at the event has no doubt encountered hatred and resistance throughout his life from people who are not comfortable with who he is.  The fact that, in spite of all that vitriol, he still had the courage to stand up and proclaim his choice in public speaks volumes to me about his character and authenticity.  He displayed more courage than I would have in that situation.  I would worry about what others would think if I were that brutally honest about who I am.  He knows full well the flack he will take from some for his choice to “go public” and nevertheless he persists in becoming who he believes he was created to be—and chooses to “let the world deal with it.”  I may not understand it; I might not even completely agree with it; but I have to respect it.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive”—Howard Thurman.

I love this quote from Thurman; I want to live this quote. But I find it so much easier to write about it than to do it.  Maybe that’s why what the young speaker at the Pride rally said resonated with me so much. He not only figured out who he was—but then he had the courage to go public with his identity.  He’s choosing to live in a way that makes him feel “fully alive.”  In this sense, I want to be like this young man!   I pray every day for God to help me, “live my life in a way that doesn’t hurt anymore.”  In other words, I seek to find ways to be more authentically and unapologetically me.  I ask for the courage to let the world feel the full weight of who I am and let them deal with it—and I trust God to deal gracefully with my reluctance and unbelief.  

"The glory of God is man (or woman) fully alive"

—St. Irenaeus. 

What I think this quote means is that God is made more visible in our world as more of us “become who we were born to be.” 

I hope you will join me in seeking to be more authentically and unapologetically yourself.  I think this is what Jesus calls his followers to become as we follow him.  It is a certainly a countercultural act in a world that places us under such pressure to conform to the expectations of others and to base our identity so strongly on our group affiliations.  I think Howard Thurman was trying to tell us not to spend our lives trying to simply be what “the world” (you could substitute any group to which we belong for world: e.g., nation, community, work peers, family—and, yes, even our church) tells you that you are expected to be.  To say it another way, we shouldn’t feel that we have to censor ourselves in order for “the world” to accept us. No, says Thurman, “Ask what makes you come alive and go do it (be it),” because, whether we realize it or not, what “the world” desperately needs right now is more fully alive people.