Two weeks ago, our Sunday evening online Fellowship at Five group at Good Shepherd UMC had a discussion about joy. I thought it fitting that we give equal time to discuss its “shadow-side.” Hence this devotional, which I shared in our group and also offer here…
I remember when our daughter Hope passed away in 2008. It was such a Great Sadness for me. People didn’t know what to say. Can you blame them? A two-day infant had just passed away; that’s not supposed to happen! What can you possibly say?
Unfortunately, that didn’t stop them from trying! The result was some terribly awkward moments. Here’s a sampling of what was said (and what I thought in response):
• “Everything happens for a reason.” Oh, it does, huh? So, then you tell me why my infant passed from life support to life eternal two days after birth?
• “Well, I guess God needed another angel.” Really?! I don’t even know where to begin…
• “Well, at least you have Rebecca.” Oh, you did not go there, did you? As if my surviving daughter is God’s “consolation prize” for taking my other daughter. I think not.
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Paul says that we should rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15). While we certainly need to find joy in the midst of this prolonged time of crisis, in this season where there has been so much loss, we also need to find ways to acknowledge our sadness and grief—and that of others as well.
I don’t know about you, but I find it much easier to celebrate with someone than to suffer alongside them. If someone is hurting, we want to help; we want to fix; we want to say something—anything—to make things better. But for whom? When we offer platitudes such as the ones offered to Laurie and me after we lost a child, are we acting like Job’s comforters? Are our “windy words” evidence of us trying too hard to come with explanations for things that frankly will have no logical explanation this side of eternity? Would not it sometimes be more authentic to say nothing and simply offer our presence?
The characters Sadness and Joy from Inside Out.
The truth is, joy and sadness are two sides of the same coin. It’s hard to experience one if we don’t open ourselves to the other. (Sometimes we deaden ourselves so we don’t fully experience either.) We may start out life as children focused primarily on joy, and keeping sadness tucked away. (I’m well aware it’s not the case for ALL children; it wasn’t really the case in my house.) As the Disney movie Inside Out creatively illustrated, we tend to keep these two seemingly conflicting emotions socially distanced as children, but as we mature, we find that life doesn’t always cooperate with those efforts. In fact, sometimes the veil between joy and sadness becomes perilously thin and we experience both simultaneously. That’s what it felt like for me when my twins were born. We had Rebecca, who was a thriving infant, while Hope was being kept alive by tubes in the NICU. To be honest, I felt like God was playing cruel games with our emotions.
While sadness and sorrow can certainly be experienced in isolation many Biblical passages expressing grief and sorrow were written to be shared with the community.
These public expressions of sadness are called lamentation; and we find them all throughout the Bible In fact, there’s an entire book called Lamentations—probably written by Jeremiah (discussed below.) There are 50 Psalms of Lament scattered throughout the Psalter. The Hebrew Prophets likewise frequently cry out to God and/or to others. Both the Psalmist and the Prophets speak honest truths about life—including joy, sadness, and the full range of human emotion.
Perhaps no Prophetic voice laments louder than the “Weeping Prophet,” Jeremiah, who once exclaimed: “Why is my pain continuous, my wound incurable…?” (Jeremiah 15:18). In this context, Jeremiah was expressing the pain he felt as he tried to be faithful to God’s calling in his life. He had to deliver a hard message to God’s people—and it was not a popular one. It is a reminder to us that the cost of discipleship is often more than a metaphor; over time we can wear down physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
The poster child for grief and sadness in the Bible is a mystery man from Uz. We’re not sure exactly when Job lived; there’s even debate if he’s a real person. Whoever he is, when we meet Job in the Bible, to paraphrase a song lyric, “it hasn’t been his week, his month, or even his year.” He has lost everything that he loves—and I mean EVERYTHING! Job doesn’t hold back his feelings of grief over what he has experienced, when he says: “Why did I not perish at birth, come forth from the womb and expire?” (Job 3:11). The story plays out over 39 more chapters as Job wrestles with his question including many chapters of “windy-worded” attempts at answers from several of his closest friends. And even when God finally does speak to Job out of a whirlwind (Job 38:1), God never really answers Job’s initial question. On the contrary, God asks Job a series of deeper, penetrating questions that Job of course cannot answer (Job 38–40). This exchange suggests to me that many of life’s why questions are meant to remain a mystery to us and to teach us to become more comfortable living in the whirlwind of unknowing and trusting God—who does know the answers—to show us the way through the storm.
Even in the New Testament, sadness and joy seem to comingle. Jesus himself wept when he learned that his friend Lazarus had died. Likewise, in the Garden of Gethsemane, as he faced his impending arrest and crucifixion Luke says Jesus wept tears of blood. It was a moment when, in the words of When I Survey the Wondrous Cross, “sorrow and love flowed mingled down.” Peter likewise wept bitterly when he realized his betrayal of Jesus—and likely when he was restored too. Paul speaks of shedding tears for those under his care.
Scripture’s witness is clear and consistent: There is no shame in being sad, in feeling blue—in being authentically you—before God.
That’s important to remember right now, when we feel such a mix of emotions as we respond to the current pandemic and other comingling crises in our world. Over and over again we are reminded: Wherever we find ourselves—and however we feel—God is with us.
FOR REFLECTION/DISCUSSION
• Do you agree that joy and sadness are opposing sides of the same coin?
• Can you think of a time in your life when you experienced them close together?
• Have you ever experienced the well-meaning “windy words” of others that I describe?
• If you were to write your own Psalm of Lament right now, what would it say?
• How can we express our lament in our various community groups: e.g., family, neighborhood, church, nation, world?
