Yesterday (May 2) was my daughter Rebecca May’s 15th birthday. When did all that growing up happen?! It seems like only yesterday that I used to hold her in my arms and rock her to sleep and take her in my arms and do “The Rebecca Dance” (which essentially consisted of me dancing around the room singing, “Rebecca,” repeatedly to the tune of “The Mexican Hat Dance”). Now, seemingly in the time it took me to blink once or twice, she’s a beautiful, strong, confident young woman working her way through high school and finding her way in the world. Becca does life with spirit—whether she’s strumming her viola, or playing softball, or binge-watching Law and Order, SVU, or listening the latest Harry Styles song, or participating in scouts, or reading Scripture, or writing poems in her journal.
We’ve often said of Becca that she carries the spirit of two: that of herself and of her twin sister Hope Marie—who lived only two days before she transitioned from life support to life eternal.
Although we intentionally try to focus on Rebecca on May 2, her mother and I always take time to remember that this is Hope Marie’s birthday too. (And Becca has become more aware of this fact as she’s gotten older.) While May 4 may be “Star Wars Day,” for the world, it’s also “Hope Day” for our family—a much more somber occasion to be sure. We typically visit the cemetery where Hope is buried on May 4 (which in an ironic twist of life, is also my brother’s birthday), and we pause to remember that which any parent who has lost a child truly never forgets. Rather, we’ve learned over these intervening 15 years to “put the grief in its place” and open it up from time to time when we want to intentionally remember Hope—such as on “Hope Day.”
To some extent it’s true that time does heal wounds—or at least puts a scab or scar over them. Fifteen years brings a sense of growing separation. Becca grows into a young woman before our eyes while her sister Hope remains an infant in our memory. But sometimes that’s precisely what brings fresh tears to her parent’s eyes late at night, as we look at old photos and Facebook posts about Rebecca experiencing a lifetime of milestones and other everyday family moments that Hope never got to experience.
I think what I have grieved most over the years is that we never got to know who Hope would’ve been as a person and how she would’ve interacted with her family and with others. Rebecca and Hope obviously would’ve looked the same—but they no doubt would’ve been two distinct individuals. I never got to experience being a father to Hope as I have for Becca. In fact, I’ve always had a sense that the whole world lost something because Hope didn’t live.
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This blog has been in existence since 2008. As some of you may remember, what is now called Threads of Glory started around the time the twins were born. This was my second time going through the birth experience. The first time, with my son Brady (now 17), was such a blur of activity that it was hard to remember all that happened. I wanted to be more intentional about recording what took place this time. I had no idea then how important this endeavor would become. The words I wrote became a chronicle of what we lived through beginning May 2, 2008.
Obviously, the blog expanded to be about much more than Becca and Hope. If you’ve followed along, you know I’ve posted periodically and waxed theologic about many topics over the past 15 years. However, I notice I do tend to come back to the “source subject” quite often.
For those who might be interested, I’ve compiled below is a list of posts that focus on Rebecca and/or Hope.
· Before the girls were born, as we were preparing to welcome twins, their mom had a short-lived blog called Grace Lives Here. Honestly, I had almost forgotten Laurie did this until I was looking back to prepare this list for Becca. So much living has gone on in 15 years, that details begin to slip my mind—which is why I like having this written record!
· A few weeks before they were born, I wrote a post to start Threads of Glory (my blog's name, in case you've forgotten) called Holding on to Hope. I had no idea then how much I would have to live those words in the weeks, months, and even years ahead.
· Then there were the series of posts I made during that crazy first month of Becca’s life. (Note that they appear in reverse order; go to the bottom if you want to start at the beginning.). These started as updates when we were in the hospital delivering the twins and continued for a while after we got home with Becca. (WARNING: This material is pretty raw—particularly the early posts—as it was reported as evemts were unfolding on that fateful day and shortly thereafter.)
· And last but not least—were all the posts I’ve made on or around their birthday. These include:
· Their first. A Bittersweet Milestone as Becca Turns One and our first Hope Day.
· Their third. Can it be? Becca is Three!;
· Their fourth. Happy Fourth Birthday Becca May!;
· Their fifth. Surprises and More Surprises;
· Their sixth. Becca is Six Today;
· Their seventh. Rebecca May is Seven Years Old Today;
· Their ninth. Celebrating and Remembering;
· Their tenth. Letters I wrote to Rebecca and Hope;.and
· Their twelfth. A Poem for Hope During a Pandemic.
· Their fifteenth. The listicle-post you are reading today!
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Preparing this list was a gift for my daughter—but the trip down memory lane ended up being a gift for me too. My eyes grew strangely moist as I viewed all the photos in these posts. Some of the text in these posts became the basis for more personal birthday letters I wrote to her—or vice versa.
Some of you might not need to read all these because you lived through these events with us, but for some it may help you know my story a bit better. This event had a profound influence on my spiritual formation. Even now—15 years later—it’s hard for me, a writer, to fully put its impact in words. Likely, it would take the perspective of others who’ve known me for many years (e.g., my wife) to tell you how living through all this has changed me. I hope it made me better and not bitter—although I’m sure there have been moments of both along the way.
What I am convinced of is that God walked with us as we walked through this entire experience, that God has used the tragedy of us losing our daughter Hope Marie for good, and that God continues to guide our family today. Furthermore, I think God may have special plans for Rebecca. She has a real passion for the Scriptures and learning about her faith. I’m curious to see where all that might be leading…
Over the years we’ve often repeated the words we wrote on her birth announcement: “in Rebecca’s face we will always see HOPE.” While this is certainly true (since they are in fact identical twins), in the birthday note I wrote for her this year, I reminded that her mom and I also see the unique creation that is Rebecca May Ward—and that we couldn’t be prouder to have the privilege of being her parents!
